Cherry Popping St. Patrick

I lost my virginity on St. Patrick's Day

I was wearing green ... but I still got pinched

It was nicer than I expected

Gentle

Soft

He knew he was my first

My only request was

"Please, don't tell me you love me

I don't want to get the two things twisted"

I thought I would feel different

What I truly felt was relieved

I was 20 years old for Christ sake

What took so long ?

I have no idea

I was as surprised as the next guy that someone with tits as big as mine

hadn't already bagged half the town

I think big tits are more intimidating than pop culture would lead us to believe 

I knew it was love when he played me Towns Van Zant on his guitar

while I sat naked on the couch I purchased for our new home together

We had it all 

A leaky roof , shag rugs and cat 

It was ours

He liked to play World of Warcraft on the computer

I liked to read on the couch and listen at him scream at his imaginary foes

I liked his beard

I liked the way he didn't talk much 

But always meant what he said

I didn't know it was over when he didn't come home after I called

crying that our schizophrenic roommate tried to stab me through our bedroom wall

I didn't know it was over when I came in to see him and my best friend 

on the couch I had purchased for our new home together

We had a song

We had a bedtime routine

We had a life

I only knew it was over when he said:

"I will marry you if that's what you really want , but I'd rather not"

I left the couch , the rug and the cat

I graduated 6 months later with a Women's Studies degree I felt I faked my way through

It feels strange to say that I do think of him fondly

Especially on St. Patrick's Day

Bastard In The Night

I was stranded in the suburbs - only the suburbs were at 45th and Lexington ( NYC )- and there was a train into the city at 48th. I was hanging out with some stoners and suddenly started going into labor. Somehow I knew the father of my child was the CEO of the company I work for - though I had no recollection of a prior romantic or sexual relationship.

This dream has happened before, as in reoccurring. Not the CEO love triangle , but the baby-pushing part. I never quite remember how I got pregnant - or how long I had been that way before the labor pains start. I'm sure there is some sort of dream interpretations book I could look all of this up in , but I'm sure it will say something like "the labor represents stress in your life". Understanding the meaning, however, takes the fun out of it - so I'm just gonna ride this dream wave and see what other weird places this REM surfboard carries me to.

So - I lay on a bed and the pains set in and I start screaming , then I pass out. I wake up and my mother is there handing me an infant - a boy - asking me how I got there and whose child it is. I can not say - either I'm not sure or afraid of the scandal that would erupt. I can never name the child and I always leave them. In this dream I handed the newborn to my mother and asked one of the stoners in the living room where the closest subway stop was to take me back to the city. I run out the door with blood and afterbirth still shooting out of me , but I figure in a place like this no one would really notice. On the train I act like nothing happened - and am still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle as to : how I got pregnant ? how long I had been that way ? and where the hell this train was taking me !?!?!

Note to self : should probably not have children.

Shrimp Scampi

My vagina looks like shrimp scampi. 

I felt like it was some sort of right of passage as a modern American woman - though I suppose the name "Brazilian" doesn't really constitute anything red white and blue.... maybe a little pink. 

Happy to say I didn't do it for a man - at least not directly.  Saturday is a photo shoot for my friend Daru's record cover and I have been told my wardrobe will consist solely of black electrical tape ( I say yes to everything ).  I figured it would be best to have a "clean slate" as it were - so the electrical tape didn't stick to any strays causing a painful disrobing.  

In retrospect , however, all I really did was beat myself to the punch by pulling those down-there hairs out before my costume could.  At least I own it.

On a pain scale ( 1- 10 ) I'd give it a 7 ... I've been through worse.  On a "weirdness" scale I'd say more like an 8.  On a HILARITY scale however - give that baby the big 10.  

Will someone please pass the tartar sauce.

Open Letter No. 2

Dear Girl in My Office ;

I would say "you know who you are" , but it's obvious from the lack of change from my last letter that you are totally oblivious. I will admit some jealousy to your lack of self-awaredness, though it has changed my opinions little-to-none.

Things must be going better for you. The repertoire of your play list has changed in the last few days. No more rivers crying. You have revised your music to more upbeat desperate love songs. Did I hear some Pink in there today ? Own it girl - rock that new love feeling. Unfortunately I can't say it's done much for my feelings towards you. A throat punch may be a bit severe, I admit, so perhaps a light kick to the skull is more appropriate for our situation. Everyone needs a little sense knocked into them every once in a while. Consider it a gift.

The woman two rows down is still whistling - and still ahead of you on my hate list. Don't worry , you're inching your way up. Did you notice the nice little number she had on today ? Looked just like a cast member for Star Trek Enterprise. With a little change of wardrobe that could be you , darling. A little kitsch and your mindless droning could be conveyed as some sort of undergrad performance-art piece.

Maybe we should become friends. Then you could share your chocolate cake-for-breakfast with me in the morning and maybe I would hate my life a little less, but my thighs a little more. We could be besties and I could make you a mix tape , that way we could both enjoy the noise pollution you smoke out the office with 9 hours a day and it would be our secret joke. I would encourage you in whatever on-again , off-again relationship you're in. I would tell you that this love is real - that this man is the one.

Go to Bermuda. Get married. Have a million babies and be happy. Then maybe the hot Australian guy would come back in the office - and we would both have something to smile about.

Sincerely ,

Wits Ending

Ash Wednesday

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Stand Clear of the Closing Doors

Riding the train makes me feel like a joke poet who moved to a city to find inspiration , but somehow is always brought back to the midwestern town where I was born and bred and bedded.  These thoughts come to me most often on the train.  These thoughts and others. 

Today riding home I saw two different couples. Both of whom I would have ignored except their displaced similarities brought me back to small house in a wheat covered town steps away from where Burroughs died. The woman in each pair was picking at the man's face pulling out the toxins with her over-manicured fingers.  I don't ever want to love like that again.  I have been that woman , though my claws groomed short for faster and quieter key succession.  I was wide eyed and innocent and a year later leaning over a man lying face down on a bed I bought from a discarded furniture store , pulling all the ingrown hairs out of his upper thigh - months later he discarded me for another - changing his mind about me in my own discount store bed. 

My grandfather had an eyelash that had grown too long causing tears to drizzle down his face in the waiting room of my orthodontist office.  I pulled it out and thought about how he made the best pumpkin pie in the world and how he would slow dance with my Grandmother in the kitchen after dinner. I would do anything in the world for him.  I thought about the grey hair in your ears and how I would never touch them.  I want them to stay just as they are because they make me smile. 

I  saw a blind woman on the train during the morning rush hour transfer. A young stranger took her arm and led her down the platform.  It made me think of the time I told a boy he was ugly because his teeth were rotten and my father making me wish I were dead with his words.  I loved that boy too.  If he is out there , I want him to know that I am still sorry. 

I saw a man pull out a knife as I was riding the train after midnight and my stomach turned because it made me remember a man I used to love, and me sitting in an emergency room in Queens covered in blood after he was stabbed and just praying that everything would be alright as they wheeled a woman from the waiting room through the double doors, delicately pulling a sheet over her eyes. 

The train takes me places.  As far away as I have run the line seems to always carry me back home. 

An Open Letter

Dear girl in my office ( you know who you are ) ;

I want to punch you in the throat.  I don't know if you have been recently dumped or what on Earth could have happened  that possessed you play Evanescence " All of Me" on a loop from 9:00 am - 5:00 pm for the last two days at a volume loud enough to carry to my desk 4 cubes away.  I am about to blow my brains out. I know I am not the only one who has noticed.  I am also not the only one who has noticed that you do nothing all day but surf the Internet and eat cake at your desk.  I am pissed off about this for two reasons.  First , I know you make more money than I do.  Second , you replaced a totally hot Australian guy who, had he possessed the same lack of tact as you, would have probably played something other than "pop-goth-cry-me-a-river-bullshit" music and was at least easy on the eyes.  I know - who am I to judge your musical taste? This is not about that.  It is about the fact that you have now become a part of the problem.  You have become a limb on the dark monster that eats away at my very being 45 hours a week , 50 weeks a year ( thank God for two weeks vacation). My pen is running out of ink in the endless list of reasons why I hate my job.  Congratulations !  You just made the list ! Number 47.  Don't be too proud of yourself though.  The woman two cubes away who whistles incessantly made it on the list long before your time , honey.  Put on your headphones like the rest of the people who have enough time in the day to rock out at the office.  Turn down your radio for those of us who have reached noise pollution capacity from endless phones ringing and bosses demanding peanut butter bagels at the drop of a hat.  When you go to your colleagues desk to ask your millionth question of the day - don't sit on it and pretend it's yours and then giggle about how you just don't understand some spreadsheet.  Music off !  Brain on ! For the love of God - at least pick a new song, there are usually 10 on an album.

Sincerely, 

Wits End